Did reading the heading to this make you cringe a little?

Fair enough if so; I find that it’s one of the most avoided discussions between parents and their kids (… and parents and mentors, teachers, other parents…). Most know it’s a problem. Many would prefer to remain with their head firmly in the sand. Sadly though, this is a topic that desperately needs open discussion, and unfortunately when we’re talking about a child’s first exposure, we need everyone to start talking about it a lot sooner than you think.

A few stats for you. In 2018, the NZ Chief Censor released a report on young people and pornography in New Zealand. It found that by age 12, one in four have seen it, and by the age of 17, that number was up to three-quarters. Mostly, this first exposure was by accident, not because they were going searching for it. The majority of 14 year old girls have seen pornography, and at that age, 10% view it regularly. 

Why is this an issue? 

In 2018, just before this report was released, I attended an excellent full day workshop called “Porn as Sex Ed?” run by the impressive Maree Crabbe. What I learnt there deeply disturbed me, both as a teacher and as a mentor. I had no idea how young our students were first coming across this content, and how. Anything from an innocent search term that throws up images, to being forced to view it by having a phone shoved in their face (I commonly hear this story from the girls I work with), to ‘joke’ texts from kids at school sharing links to what is sometimes frighteningly hardcore videos and images. Particularly vulnerable are our young ones who come across animated pornography, thinking it is simply a cartoon. And yes, this happens at school. Kids these days can get around filters, no issue.

Maree has done extensive studies and interviewed many in the industry. Her analysis has found that 88% of scenes involve physical aggression such as choking, gagging, and slapping; 48% of scenes contained verbal aggression, and 94% of that aggression is directed towards the women performers (stats from Love and Sex in an Age of Pornography). Worryingly, despite these statistics, the NZ report found that young people aren’t concerned about the aggression, addiction (it’s a serious and debilitating thing), unhealthy portrayal of sex or gender depicted in pornography. Yikes.

Maree also shared the spectrum of pornography that is available online, and what that can mean for our teens. It ranges from ‘soft’ (think Bridgerton!) right up to extreme violence, and everything in between. Devastatingly for a number of young people, the confusing flood of chemicals (disgust or shock mixed with arousal) can mean they become addicted or hardened, and continue to seek more and more hardcore or shocking content. And for those who actively look for it, why are they watching it in the first place? They want to learn about sex (gah! not a good way to learn!), for arousal of course, and also to learn about gender identity (again… gah!) 

There are several big issues with the way sex is portrayed in pornography, especially to teens who are largely turning to it to learn about sex. Firstly, there is the issue of domination. Women or feminine persons are depicted as the dominated, with the men or masculine persons as the dominator. This includes same sex depictions, and Maree explained that ‘gay porn’ is not made (or accurately depicted) for same sex couples. Naturally this raises issues around gender and power dynamics for all genders.

Other troubling aspects include the violence, the issue of sex and sex acts being unconsented (you rarely see consent being discussed!), underage/young performers, the portrayal of the arousal of women, and the surgical modification of normal body parts (labiaplasty is the fastest growing plastic surgery in the world right now). Naturally, the impact this is having on kids is troubling. The Chief Censor’s report listed a whole bunch: portrayal of roles in sex; body image issues and expectations; consent issues; the assumption of what ‘good sex’ looks like; causes deep disturbance, especially for younger viewers; addiction issues; promotes aggression and violence, particularly in relation to women / girls; problematic narratives; shame associated with watching it; impacts the ability to engage in a real life sex life; and escalates the need for shock to stimulate arousal.  

Ok, phew… take a breath! That is all quite depressing and scary, so what can we do as parents, mentors and educators?

Talk about it! It’s that simple, and that hard! It is natural, normal and a good thing that teens want to learn about sex. We just don’t want them turning to pornography to learn about it! Young people need to know what ‘normal’ is, and that includes their genitals so they don’t feel the need to mutilate them. Have you seen Netflix’s brilliant show, Sex Education? In Season 3, the loveable Aimee discovers how all vulvas are unique and sets out on a cupcake campaign to educate the whole school about this gloriously liberating finding. That’s the kind of thing we need here, people. (By the way, this show is a brilliant way to gently initiate discussions with your teen around healthy sex and how broad ‘normal’ really is. Note there’s a bit of language in there and of course quite a bit of sex! But it’s done in a liberating, fun, hilarious and celebratory way).

Ok so other than indulging in a Netflix binge session, what else can we do about this? A great way to support your teen is to learn how to initiate the conversation in an age appropriate way (and yes, you do need to think about having this conversation if your child is using the internet by themselves, even if they are 10 years old. Children below 10 have had issues and become addicted without parents having any idea what they are suffering through). 

It’s super helpful to educate yourself first (I’ll share some great pages below), and absolutely imperative that you avoid shaming at all costs. There is a high chance they have seen it already and may use it, so in order to be supportive and helpful, you need to be calm, understanding and non-judgemental. Make sure you stick to the facts and leave any harsh comments / disappointment / shock out of it. Whatever your feelings about this, it’s our kids’ reality growing up in the age of the blessed smartphone and hyper-connectivity.

Some ideas to help the conversation flow:

• Choose a time when you’re not face-to-face. Could be driving in the car, or out for a walk. You could simply start with the question, do you know what pornography is?
• Practice what you want to say first, preparation is key especially if you’re feeling uncomfortable!
• Be age appropriate – the conversation with an 11 year old will be very different to one with a 17 year old. If you want, you can use things like Sex Education to spark the chat, or you might simply make comments on the way women are portrayed in a music video or movie. The more casual and frequent, the better
• Remember, this is not a one-off conversation; it’s an ongoing education, so check in and keep asking their thoughts about related issues in order to provide them with a space to bounce ideas and bring their perception and learning into alignment with their values
• Talk about what is healthy – healthy sex, body parts, relationships and dynamics
• Talk about pornography vs real sex
• Encourage them to think critically about what they see, and to share if they find something that makes them uncomfortable

Whilst I am a pretty passionate advocate for this stuff, I’m not the expert, so to finish up, I want to share some of the websites and resources that I think are pretty awesome to help you navigate this topic. Please reach out if you need support around this, either through mentoring or a simple conversation for courage. You are amazing and the young people in your life are so lucky to have your support!

Resources & Websites

https://itstimewetalked.com/parents/ – this whole website is great, and the parents section has some excellent resources

https://itstimewetalked.com/resources/parent-tip-sheets/ – this will take you straight to the parents tip sheets for the same website

https://thelightproject.co.nz/whanau/talking-with-teens/ – The Light Project has some good conversation starters here for parents

https://fightthenewdrug.org/ – Fight the New Drug is an organisation dedicated to educating on the harmful effects of pornography. It has a range of great articles and videos to help understand the issues and what to do about it

https://fightthenewdrug.org/growing-trend-of-porn-inspired-plastic-surgery-for-teens/ – Article on how pornography is inspiring teen girls to get labiaplasty 

https://www.classificationoffice.govt.nz/resources/research/nz-youth-and-porn/ – NZ Youth & Porn Chief Censor Report 2018 – as referenced in the article above

This blog post has been adapted from a 2021 presentation I gave with Janoel Liddy for Celebration Day for Girls Facilitators.